Death's Other Kingdom
by Katfum
Summary: The human mind is perfectly capable of making a hell out of a heaven.


Untitled 

Death's Other Kingdom/Hell is a Place on Earth, Too 

Disclaimers: 

Neon Genesis Evangelion and all related characters, concepts, etc., are property of ADVision and Gainax. I only *wish* they were mine. 

This story is copyright Kenneth Patterson, Two Thousand and One A.D. 

With apologies to T.S. Eliot. 

Contains no squid. 

*START* 

My name is Shinji Ikari. First Child. Pilot of Evangelion Unit-01. 

My name is Shinji Ikari. First Child. Pilot of Evangelion Unit-01. 

My name is Shinji Ikari. First Child. Pilot of Evangelion Unit-01. 

I've been telling myself that a lot lately. Sometimes I think it's the only thing keeping me whole. All that stands between me and the most ignominious tombstone of all time. 

Here's a penny for all you guys out there, young or old: Be careful what you wish for. Even idle wishes. I got mine. 

This place is so bright, so colorful, not like the dark, shadow-infested place I came from. God, I miss it so much. 

You see, for all the color, all the bustle, the happy people going about their business, this place is dead. Empty. A shadow of something that could have been, but never really was. And I'm the only one that knows it. 

And there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can say. No one I can tell. 

I'm stuck on a train with no brakes, bound to my chair with unbreakable chains. 

I'm sorry, am I sounding like a bad goth lament? Let me explain. 

As I said before, I'm Shinji Ikari. Or, at least, something that answers to that name. Shinji Ikari created a world that included himself. That world served its purpose, its instrumentality, and he left it behind. But the world never went away. Stuck between the idea and the reality. The Shadow of real existence. I'm what's left of him, but all I really have are his memories. I don't have his presence, his ability to make an impact on the world around him. I am nothing but what this world makes me. Simply a character in a poorly-written shojo parody of my old life. 

* * * 

"Hey, Shinji!" called out something that could be mistaken for Rei Ayanami, but only if it were lying unconscious. 

"Yes?" replied Shinji, pulling his head out of the book he had been reading, sitting under the blooming sakura tree. 

"You remember how you promised to take me out this weekend?" she continued, in both a voice and bent-over pose the real Rei would never have used. 

"Uhm... yes?" 

"And just *what* were you thinking, agreeing to such a thing?" shouted the irate pseudo-Asuka, marching over to the location of the other two. 

"Shinji would never agree to take out a brainless bimbo like you!" 

And so the confrontation always went, the Asuka in an unflattering parody of her true self, the Rei almost diametrically opposed to her reserved but deeply sincere true self. 

* * * 

I suppose I should be happy here. I have everything I want, but... 

* * * 

"Good afternoon, dear!" called the woman named Yui, as Shinji entered the door. She had a kind smile on her face. She always had a kind smile on her face. 

"How was school?" She was everything a mother was supposed to be. 

Everything. She loved him. She made sure that he was protected, but she made sure he could stand on his own feet, too. 

* * * 

I have everything I could have ever wanted. A family who loves me. Girls who want me. No pressure to do anything but live out my own life. I should be happy here. 

Only it's not my own life. My memories are all of living with my aunt and uncle, of Misato's apartment, and of the smell of blood. This is not who I am. 

And yet, it is the only thing I am allowed to be. 

My lines have already been written. My every step has already been choreographed. I don't have the power to change events, to plot my own course. I'm nothing but a leftover set of memories, stuck in a form that follows this world's plotline. Or maybe I'm just exaggerating, and he can make his own decisions. I couldn't tell the difference, because I'm just along for the ride. 

Everything my body does, every good feeling I could enjoy, is not of my own making. 

And so, the taste of manna turns to ashes in my mouth. 

For Mine should have been the Kingdom 

I know he's out there somewhere. His life may not be perfect, or even enjoyable, but it's his own life. And I envy him that. 

Meanwhile, I'm stuck here, frantically trying to keep my own identity in the face of a false world's lures. If I lose myself, even for a moment, to my place here, if I fail to distinguish between this world's Shinji and myself, then I fear I will become a part of this world in thought as well as deed. I will lose my ability to think for myself, and, as a final insult, my body will continue to play out this farce, without even missing a beat. I can't bear that thought, and so day after day, minute after minute, I keep replaying my old life. In doing so, I see the warped reflections, the straw effigies, of everything I lost, paraded before my eyes, making the contrast more excruciating. It never ends. I can't let it. 

My Life is very long 

I created this world. And yet, I am nothing but a shade of that which created it. I am trapped in a glorious cage of my own creation, damned to suffer for eternity in the depths of paradise. 

I could have been the real Shinji Ikari. But I'm not. Why is that? 

He was too afraid to die. So am I. Nothing has changed. Nothing *can* change. 

For Mine could have been the Kingdom 

I can do nothing but sit in the back of this mind and whimper. 

* * * 

"Hey, Shinji, we're going to be late!" 

"Coming!" 

* * * 

*END* 

Notes: 

What happens to the story after you turn the page? A Greek philosopher once suggested that the human mind cannot think of an impossible thing, so therefore anything we can think of can exist, and, in fact, does. So, does the object create the thought, or the thought the object? 

In other news, the act of being observed can have an effect on the behavior of a particle. This is the basis of the Uncertainty Principle. Who's to say it's not true of the characters in our heads? 

Actually, I'm just a bit sick of reading stories set in the world we saw in episode 26. Just about the only story based on that premise 

I've read that had any redeeming value was "Garden of Eva," ("Elsewhere" was pretty good, but it was abandoned after three chapters) because it was the only one that really dared to do something other than the shojo-ish plot that seems to have been cut and pasted into so many fics, with no regard for characterization whatsoever. 

"Shinji is a normal guy, if a bit of a pervert. Asuka likes Shinji. Rei enters the picture, is bubbly and cheerful and full of sugar and spice and everything nice, and she likes Shinji too. Take your inspiration for character interaction from Ryoko/Ayeka and Ranma/Akane." 

I've read far too many fics of this sort where the only real relation to the actual series was the names of the characters. This problem isn't limited to fics in this AU, but it is much more prevalent in them. 

Feh, that's probably all I wanted to say. E-mail is Katfum@tmbg.org. 

Feel free to send C&C, thoughts, or flames as you feel called to do so. 

Wow, I managed to get through all of that story without having him say "I have no mouth, and yet I must scream." 

Pax domine vobiscum. 

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